You Can't Do That On Power Rangers
by C.A. Turner
Summary: Sketch comedy...Power Ranger style!


You Can't Do That On Power Rangers

_**Disclaimer:** First of all, this story has NOTHING to do with my MMPR/DCU series. Now that that is out of the way, they're not mine, they're Saban's. I don't know if Nickelodeon... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHH!!!!!! I just got slimed! Excuse me while I clean myself up. (LONG PAUSE) As I was TRYING to say, I guess Nickelodeon still owns You Can't Do That On Television, by the way, the majority of these sketches you are about to read come from that show, although 1 or 2 come from Roundhouse, 2 or 3 come from In Living Color, and a bunch, including Dennis Miller Weekend Updates, come from Saturday Night Live (PRE 1992, when it was still FUNNY!). Yes, the kids from You Can't will be here, but this is basically Power Rangers, both Morphing and Zeo. From Rangers : Jason, Trini, Zack, Kimberly, Tommy, Billy, Rocky, Adam, Tanya, Kat, and Aisha. From You Can't: Christine, Alisdair, Marjorie, Doug, Vanessa, Justin, & Lisa. WARNING: Slime, water, and pies fly with reckless, total abandon, along with the occasional bad taste. If you think all Power Ranger fanfics should be sooooo serious aaaaaaaaaaaall the time, TURN BACK NOW! Don't say I didn't warn you._  


### You Can't Do That On Power Rangers  
by: Carl Turner

OPENING SHOT: A PHOTO OF THE ORIGINAL CAST OF 'FAME'  
ANNOUNCER(V.O.): 'Fame' will not be seen tonight. (PAUSE) But is desperately being sought after by our cast. (GETS ANGRY) WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!? 

(CUT TO: A soft wintry scene. Snow is gently falling. Tanya walks slowly onto the scene dressed as Vanessa Williams and starts to sing.)  
TANYA: Sometimes the snow comes down in June,  
My album went Gold this afternoon,  
When in my face you closed all doors,  
Now I am here to say 'Up Yours!'  
Just like Madonna and Stallone,  
And that damn fool with his trombone,  
Photos of me without my blouse,  
Got on the cover of 'Penthouse.'  
So how can you call me 'Miss America,' and take away my crown?  
Now I'm a superstar in spite of all the photos that you found.  
Isn't the world a crazy place?  
I had a white girl in my face!  
Just when you thought my chance had passed,  
Now you can all Kiss My.........

TRINI (OFFSTAGE): DON'T YOU DARE!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut To :Link Set. Trini and Kimberly are arguing who makes better lemon chicken. Zack walks in.) 

Zack : Hey girls. What's up? 

Trini : Zack, do you wanna settle an argument for us? 

Zack : I'll try. What is it? 

Trini : Well, Kimberly claims that the Lemon Chicken she made is better than the one that I made. 

Kimberly : Well, it is, I mean, look at it... 

Trini : It is not! 

Zack : Hold it! I'll settle this.

(Zack reaches for Trini's chicken.) 

Kimberly : Shall I notify your next-of-kin? 

(Zack tries Trini's chicken and promptly begins gagging and making faces while Kimberly giggles.) 

Zack : Hold it! Kimberly? 

(Kimberly offers chicken.) 

Trini : Is your insurance all paid up? 

(Zack starts to take a bite.) 

Kimberly : Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmm... 

Trini : Bleahh!! (Fakes throwing up.) 

(Zack takes bite. Does the same thing he did to Trini's chicken. Trini is consumed with giggles, then stops.) 

Trini : Well? 

Zack : Well, what? 

Kimberly : Who's chicken is worth eating, and who's is considered a deadly weapon? 

Zack : I think it's going to be a tossup! 

(Zack pulls out airsick bag and begins to turn his head away from camera and starts to throw up.) 

OPENING CREDITS  
  


* * *

  


(Cut To: Barth's Diner) 

(Tanya, Adam, Kat, Alisdair, Rocky, Christine, and Doug are meeting there.) 

Christine, to Kat : You've spent the night in a haunted house. You've gone two whole months without watching 'Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.' Now, the ultimate test. 

Kat : What's that? 

Christine : You have to eat an entire Barthburger... and live to talk about it. 

(Barth brings burger and sets it in front of Kat, who has a look alternating between fear and disgust.) 

Kat : What are my other choices, again? 

Alisdair : Listening to an entire Bonnie Raitt album... 

Rocky : Or Red Rover on the freeway at rush hour! 

Kat : I'll take the freeway! Let's get out of here!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : link set.) 

(Lisa is on the set. Zack and Kimberly are on her right, Tommy and Trini are on her left. The four seem to be angry with each other.) 

Trini : Kimberly! Zack! You both need to be shot! 

Tommy : Or forced to eat Jason's cooking! 

Jason (Offstage) : I HEARD THAT! 

Lisa : Why are you guys so angry? 

Trini : You'll never guess what these two turkeys did today. First, they took their milk and poured it down my blouse, like this! 

(Trini takes glass of milk and pours it down Lisa's blouse.) 

Tommy : And then they sat us down in turkey salad... like this! 

(Tommy lifts Lisa up and then sits her down in a plate of Turkey Salad.) 

Kimberly : Well, so freaking' what?! Do you know what THEY did? They took their pudding, and shoved it down MY blouse, like this! 

(Kimberly puts banana pudding down Lisa's blouse.) 

Zack : Followed by dumping a plate of chicken tetrazini on my head, like this! 

(Zack dumps plated of chicken tetrazini on Lisa's head.) 

Trini : Well, we were just trying to get even when you two took your ketchup, and squirted it all over us... like this! 

(Trini... aw, by now, you know what happens next.) 

Tommy : Not to mention dumping ice cream down my back... like this! 

(Oooh, yuck. Poor Lisa.) 

Kimberly : That was absolutely no reason to stick a carrot in my ear! 

(A carrot? Ouch.) 

Zack : Or smash a piece of chocolate cake in my face! 

(What a waste of good chocolate. Understandably, Lisa's had enough.) 

Lisa : Hold it! Now the four of you have been friends much too long to let all of this come between you. Now... truce? Shake hands and make up. Truce? 

(Tommy, Trini, Zack, and Kimberly all shake hands, then hug, go 'Aww', and start apologizing as they walk off the set.) 

Lisa : This show is a grab-bag, but in case you haven't noticed, some skits will hopefully deal with revenge, you know, getting even for something stupid that someone has done to you. (Glares offstage.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Milli Vanilli Commercial. Adam as Milli, Jason as Vanilli.) 

Jason (Terrible French Accent) : No, you have to be Milli. I'm Vanilli today. 

Adam (Equally bad accent.) : Why do I have to be Milli? 

Jason : Because you're from Germany, and I'm from France! 

Adam : Ah, now it makes sense. 

Announcer : Milli Vanilli commercial, take 2, action! 

Adam : Hello, we are Milli Vanilli. You know, a lot of people do not understand the enormous success of Milli Vanilli. 

Jason : And neither do we. (Pause.) But we are here to tell you that you too can be Milli Vanilli with lots of Positive Energy, and our new, do-it-yourself-at-home, Milli Vanilli kit. 

Adam : That's right. In just ten minutes, count 'em 5, 10! You didn't think I could do that, could you? In 10 minutes, you too can be Milli Vanilli! Tell them that they will get, Vanilli! 

Jason : Well Milli, for only $39.95, they get this! (Pulls out mop.) 

Adam : Milli Vanilli Hair! 

Jason : Easy to apply! (Slaps mop on top of head) and dye it whatever color you like! 

Adam : You also get these... (pulls out case of colored contact lenses) Milli Vanilli eyes, to give you... 

Both : POSITIVE ENERGY!!! 

Jason : Let's not forget our terrible accents! 

Adam : That's right! (Pulls out videocassettes.) You listen to these cartoon characters : Pepe LePew, Boris and Natasha, Sylvester the Cat, Scooby Doo, Elmer Fudd (Imitates Elmer Fudd's laugh.) 

Jason : Now you are almost ready to be Milli Vanilli! 

Adam : But, no, no, not yet! 

Jason : Then you go the clubs and see the hottest, freshest, exciting dances... but don't do them! 

Adam : No, no, no! 

Both : Do this instead! (Both begin swinging their arms over their heads while moving side to side.) 

Jason : Now you are ready to be Milli Vanilli. 

Adam : So get a friend. 

Jason : 'Cause it takes two jerks to be Milli Vanilli! And remember... 

Both (Running in Place) : Don't forget our number! 

Jason : So act now, 'cause we are almost out of style! 

(Both leave camera in opposite directions, then run into each other intentionally, knocking each other out.) 

Announcer (V.O.) : Send $39.95 to.... Aaah, who the hell cares, their careers have been in the toilet for six years, so what?   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Barth's Diner) 

(Tommy, Trini, Zack, and Kimberly are waiting for their order. Barth brings them four hot dogs with capes and smiley faces on them.) 

Tommy : What the hell are these? 

Barth : My newest creation! I call them 'Wonder Dogs!' 

Kimberly : Wow, guys, look, they're so cute and cuddly! 

Zack : Yeah, they're really cute! 

Kimberly : Truly cute! 

Trini (Sarcastically) : Yeah, real cute! (Bites into hot dog. Apparently, it's delicious.) And tasty, too! 

Tommy (also taking bite) : Mmmmm!!! 

Kimberly : Gross! 

Zack : You two sickos! You killed them! I'm taking mine home! 

Kimberly : Me, too! Hmph! 

(Zack and Kimberly take their hot dogs and snatch Tommy and Trini's leaving.) 

Trini (To Barth) : Can I have another one, please? 

Barth (Shocked) : They each took a dead one!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Bedroom. Alisdair comes in through the window, dressed in black. The minute he's completely inside, Rocky bursts out of the closet, dressed like Captain America.) 

Rocky : So you thought you could sneak in here silently, Lawless Wonder? 

Alisdair : Lawless Wonder? I was at my karate class, and I forgot my keys. I live here! 

Rocky : Oh. 

Alisdair : Wait a damn minute! What are you doing here? That's breaking and entering, you know. I'm calling the police! 

Rocky : No, wait, you know what they do to guys in tights. 

Alisdair : Like I said, I'm calling the police! (Picks up phone and dials.) Hello, police?   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set. Tanya is trying to play the piano. She is soon interrupted by Aisha, who is, as usual, chattering non-stop.) 

Aisha : Hi, Tanya, what are you playing? I always wanted to play the piano, but I never tried. Anyway, my mom says my musical talent is in my voice. 

Tanya (slightly agitated) : I wonder why? 

Aisha : Did you ever think of all those opera stars who depend on their voices? I think, people like Carudo, Pavarotti, and Maria Callas, using their voices to make beautiful music. Voices, so beautiful, people thought they were angels singing. Voices, so beautiful, people cried when they heard them. 

Tanya : You know, Aisha, I can understand that. 

Aisha : You can? 

Tanya : Yeah, 'cause I wanna scream when I hear yours! 

(Tanya starts banging on piano and screaming.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Blip's Video Arcade. Aisha and Billy are playing a videogame. Aisha is winning.) 

Aisha : Just two more points and... yes! Ten more free video games! 

Billy : How do you do it? 

Aisha : High self-confidence. I tell myself I can do it, and I do it! I have total faith in myself! 

Blip : What's going on, here? 

Billy : Aisha has just won 226 free games in a row! It's never been done before! 

Blip : And it'll never be done again! I thought I fixed this thing! 

(Blip pulls out pliers, yanks wire out of videogame, and walks away.) 

Aisha : I think I'll try to keep my big mouth shut from now on. 

Billy : Aisha, I know you're an eternal optimist, but don't ask for the impossible.   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : School detention hall) 

Principal : Well, Katherine, you know why you're here, so let's get to it. 

Kat : Did you get your wife anything nice? 

Principal : What are you talking about? 

Kat : Oooh, you're gonna be in big trouble when you get home. 

Principal : What? 

Kat : Your anniversary. You didn't forget, did you? 

Principal : Of course not! (Changes tone) But if I did... (fearful) she's gonna kill me! (runs out door) 

Kat : I wonder when his anniversary really is, and why no man can remember. You know, sometimes it's so easy to fool a man, we women out to be ashamed of ourselves... but we're not!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Offstage area) 

Adam : Tommy, do you remember when you asked me to remind you not to forget you and Kim's anniversary of your first date? 

Tommy : Yeah, and I'm glad you reminded me. Here you go, $60. 

Adam : That's okay, you don't have to pay me. 

Tommy : Yes, I do, you earned it. 

Adam : No, I didn't. You see, I forgot to remind you. You better hide, Kim's really pissed. 

Tommy : Oh no! 

(Kimberly storms in carrying a skillet.) 

Kimberly : FORGOT?! You forgot again? Well, I'll give you something to remember your anniversary by! 

(Kimberly whacks Tommy on the back of the head with the skillet, knocking him out.) 

Adam : Nice one, Kim! 

Kimberly : Oh, yeah? Well, YOU FORGOT TOO! 

(Kimberly whacks Adam upside the head with a skillet, knocking him out, too.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set, Christine walks up to Tanya.) 

Christine : The new interactive device is hooked up. D'you wanna test it? 

Tanya : You bet! Here's how... (Whispers in Christine's ear) 

Christine : Oooh, good one! (To herself as she walks away) I wonder if that would work on Lisa Ruddy? 

Tanya : Aisha? Oh, Aisha? 

(Aisha walks onto the link set blowing her nails.) 

Aisha : Tanya, I am trying to dry my nails. You always interrupt me when... 

Tanya : Yeah, Aisha, right, anyway, have you heard how our new gizmo works? 

Aisha : Tanya, don't you ever listen to me, I said I was standing over there, trying to dry... 

Tanya : Well, this new gizmo lets the audience vote on things in the show... (Aisha does 'WHOOPEE' with her middle finger.) ...so, I thought I would let you, the audience, vote on whether Aisha should be allowed to ever talk again. 

Aisha (gasps) : What?! 

Tanya : That's right, folks, if you want nothing but silence from Aisha, press the green square on the your screen. Remember, silence from Aisha, press NOW! 

Aisha : Tanya, this is a really dirty trick! 

Tanya : I know. Wait, the results are coming in... 

Green : 9999 

Red : 7 

Tanya : and the green side wins! Aisha will never talk again! (laughs) Ah, my life's dream. Hey Aisha, tell me what you did last night. 

(Aisha growls and glares at Tanya, who is laughing like crazy.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Dining Room) 

Tommy : I LOVE alphabet soup! 

Jason : Look, the letters in your soup are coming together. 

(Tommy and Jason make out the words forming in the soup.) 

Tommy : I don't know. (Realization dawning on what he has just said.) Now, wait a minute... 

(Tommy is hit with a downpour of green slime.) 

Jason (laughing) : You don't know how long it took me to orchestrate those noodles so that... they would... it was worth it... here, drink some Pepsi, you'll feel much better. (falls to the floor, consumed with laughter)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set. Aisha is depressed. Tanya is gloating, then changes tone) 

Tanya : You know, Aisha, I was thinking, maybe we should give you another chance. (Aisha visibly brightens) Now folks, all you have to do is press the green, and you can hear our Miss Campbell explain the fine art of picking the right nail polish. Press now. (Pause) The results are coming in... 

Green : 8899 

Red : 7 

Tanya : Well, Aisha, it looks like you really do have some fans after all! 

Aisha : Wow, I never thought people actually liked to hear my voice! 

Tanya : They don't! This is just the introduction to the opposites!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : dungeon. Dungeonmaster Nasti is chained to a wall and Adam paces in front of him.) 

Nasti : So, Adam, I guess you finally got your revenge. 

Adam : Not exactly, Maestro, if you please? 

(Piano plays melodic intro.) 

Adam : One million bottles of beer on the wall,   
A million bottles of beer,  
You take one down, pass 'em around,  
999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!  


(While Adam is singing, Nasti is screaming for help.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Movie theater.) 

(Tommy, Jason, Zack, Adam, Billy, and Rocky are watching a movie and weeping.) 

Tommy : They're finally kissing, I love this! 

Zack : This is such a romantic setting! 

Jason : It's just so beautiful! 

(Behind them, Kimberly, Trini, Tanya, Kat, and Aisha are obviously disgusted.) 

Trini : How can they ruin a great action film like this with a mushy, boring part? 

Kimberly : And that music, it stinks! 

Tanya : This is God-awful! 

Girls : Boo! Boo! 

Adam : Girls, please, we're trying to watch a love movie here! 

Rocky : Yeah, what do you girls know about true love? 

Kat : I know what I truly love; cars crashing, people blowing up, and a good kung-fu fight, that's what I truly love! 

Billy : That's not love, that's sick! 

Aisha: Look, beauty is in the eye of the beholder! 

Girls : COME ON RAMBO, BLOW HIS HEAD OFF! 

Boys : No, put the gun down!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Blip's arcade) 

(Aisha and Billy are playing a videogame. Both lose.) 

Billy : Wow, you've lost 226 games in a row! How do you do it? 

Aisha : Low self-confidence. I tell myself I can't do it, and I don't. I have no faith in myself. 

Blip : What's going on here? 

Billy : Aisha has lost 226 games in a row! It's never been done before. 

Blip : And it will never be done again! Here you go, Aisha, 230 free games! 

(Hands Aisha a bunch of tokens and walks away.) 

Aisha : What a drag!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : School classroom teacher is quizzing students.) 

Teacher : Can anyone tell me who Julia Moss is? Jason? 

Jason : Uh, I don't know. (Looks up nervously) 

Teacher : Trini? 

Trini : I don't know. (Casts eyes skyward.) 

Teacher : Zack, Kimberly? 

Zack and Kimberly : I don't know. (Instantly puts hands over heads.) 

Teacher : Billy? 

Billy : Oh, yes, sir, I know! (Promptly gets slimed) WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! I thought that was only supposed to happen when you say 'I don't know!' 

Jason : Ah, but Billy, you forget, this is an opposite. 

(Class erupts with laughter.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Living room. Alisdair and Adam are arguing over the t.v.. Mom comes in.) 

Mom : What are you boys fighting about? 

Alisdair : Adam won't let me watch PBS! 

Adam : Baywatch is about to come on, and Alisdair wants to watch Masterpiece Theatre. 

Mom : Now boys, how many times have I told you about junk TV and culture TV, and deciding wisely. Now, there will be no culture TV in this house! 

Alisdair : Then can I go upstairs and read one of Shakespeare's plays? 

Mom : No, you are going to stay here and watch those 'Baywatch Babes!'   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Classroom. Rocky is at the front of the classroom on a stool. The teacher and students are cats, except Aisha.) 

Teacher (V.O.) : Today, class, we have a rare treat! Today, we have an actual human being! 

Kimberly (V.O.) : Oooh, can I touch it, please? 

Zack (V.O.) : Don't do that! You don't know where it's been! 

Trini (V.O.) : I don't like it, it's creepy! 

Aisha : Wait a damn minute! How come everyone is an animal except me? 

Rocky : Probably because you already look like an animal with those hippo-hips of yours! 

Aisha : Rocky, that wasn't very nice! 

Rocky : Aisha, these are the opposites. I don't have to be nice, rhino-butt!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Dining room : dinnertime) 

Mom : Trini, what do you say when you want more potatoes? 

Trini : Pass the potatoes, dork brain! 

Mom : Good girl. 

Trini : Oh, my God.   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Library) 

Adam : What do you have to read for English lit.? 

Zack : Profiles in Courage by JFK. You? 

Adam : Spiderman. Can you believe it? 

Zack : No. I'm glad I don't have to read junk like that anymore. 

Adam : I wish I didn't. Spiderman!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Living Room) 

Mom : Katherine, what are you putting on your nails? 

Kat : A nail polish that tastes so terrible that you won't want to bite your nails. 

Mom : I want you to wash that off right now! You know you love to bite your nails! 

Kat : Mom, it's a disgusting habit! 

Mom : I know, but it makes you so happy! 

Kat : Dad! 

Dad : Your mom has a point, Kat. 

Kat : Dad, don't encourage her! 

Mom : Now go and wash that off! We want you happy. HAPPY!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Front door. Tommy, Trini, Zack, and Kimberly are dressed in tuxedos and silk evening dresses. Tommy rings doorbell.) 

Lady : May I help you? 

Tommy : Excuse us, madam, we would like your help in sending a young child to classical music camp. 

Lady : Well, I like your nerve! Coming around here dressed like penguins! Wanting me to listen to those drug addicts, Bach, Beethoven, Mozart! Hmph! 

(Lady slams door.) 

Trini : She's got a point, Tommy, this music reeks! 

Tommy : But this is an opposite. (Special camera effect, return to normal scene.) 

Kimberly : NOT ANY MORE!!! The opposites are over! LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLL! 

Zack : yeah! Get me out of this monkey suit! 

(All four start to sing Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' off-key.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set. Aisha is kissing Tanya's arm and begging at the same time.) 

Tanya : Now that the opposites are over, if you want Aisha to shut up.... 

Aisha : Oh, pleeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeeeeee......... 

Tanya : Press the green square now! 

(Results come up as Aisha begs the camera. Green : 9299, Red : 3) 

Tanya : Tough luck, Aisha, it looks like all your fans were out to lunch today! 

(Aisha holds up a sign saying 'I'll get you, Tanya!') 

Tanya : And now, the news...   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Twirling Statue of Liberty. Opening piece of Go-Go's 'Vacation' plays.) 

Announcer (V.O.) : And now, Weekend Update with Jason Lee Scott. 

(Cut to : Weekend Update Set. Jason sits behind a desk dressed like Dennis Miller.) 

Jason : Good evening, and what can I tell you? A few weeks ago, on 'Larry King Live' Adam West was on there whining that he didn't play Batman in either 'Batman,' 'Batman Returns,' or 'Batman Forever.' There's a guy with a strange hold on reality, okay. I'm sure that 26 years of doing auto/RV shows is enough prep work to jump in front of the camera with Nicholson, Pfeiffer, and Jones, huh? One of the first things I look for in a superhero is a distended belly. I remember Burt Ward stealing scenes from this guy. 

A group of tabloid reporters committed mass suicide today by jumping off the Empire State Building. They did this after a press conference by the New Kids on the Block, who were announcing a reunion tour. 

While we're on the subject, what the HELL was that originally all about? When these annoying little shits were big, they made 12 million dollars a month in merchandising. 12 MILLION! Isn't that one of the biblical signs of Armageddon? And, you know, the one thing that really pissed me off about that whole New Kid crap was the one who took it upon himself to be the brooding New Kid On the Block. He's got that shitty nanny-goat facial hair, baseball cap slanted sideways, you know, that flip, chapeau, insolence of youth. He comes whipping up on that Harley, with that Rebel-without-a-clue look, just to let you know he's a motorcycle guy in a moped band. Oh, he may sing 'You've got the right stuff, baby,' but he doesn't mean it. 

Today, the king stepped in and stopped the bloodshed in Thailand. Boy, Elvis never ceases to amaze me. 

(Photos of Roseanne and Tracy Chapman appear on the screen.) 

If looks could kill... let's get each of these babes a mirror! 

(Faces camera again) 

The Supreme Court today made a decision to create a special committee to tackle pornography and ill repute. Upon hearing this, Justin Clarence Thomas got defensive and yelled, "WILL EVERYONE STOP LOOKING AT ME WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS PORNO?!" 

(Photo of Marv Albert appears on screen) 

Naah, it's just too damn easy. Besides, I promised that I'd be good, so I'll just let this golden opportunity pass. 

(Photos of Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Dan Quayle, and Rush Limbaugh appear on screen.) 

Okay, which one is dopey? 

(Photo of New Gingrich appears on screen.) 

Speaking of sawed-off pricks... Nothing to say, just wanted to get that off my chest. 

(Faces camera again) 

Today, once again, Bob Barker cautioned against companies who use animal testing for merely cosmetic purposes... Yo, Bobbo, what the hell have you been using on YOUR HAIR for the past 30-31 years? Of course, if I'd been interviewing semi-brain dead contestants at the Hi-Lo wheel, I'd be looking to form study groups with orangutans, too. And can we rotate those Price is Right models every two or three millennia? 

Today, the Pope went to the prison where the man who tried to kill him six years ago and forgave him. FORGAVE HIM! I don't know about you, but I was just praying he would to the creep and go, "Hey, you little punk shit. If you ever point a gun at me again, off with the funny bathrobe, I put my papal foot up your Hindu ass!" 

We are fast approaching the end of this century, and we seem to be no healthier than we started. Here, with tonight's Point/Counterpoint on jogging, here are Kimberly Hart and Zack Taylor. 

Kimberly : Zack, you overweight porker! When are you going to learn that we all could use some sort of physical exercise in our lives? Sure, there's been jogging books, clothes, and videos, but better jogging than your favorite exercise, Zack, which is clinking ice cubes and vomiting on yourself! 

Zack : Kimberly, you poor, ignorant, misguided slut! There is absolutely no proof that jogging is good for your health. If you fad-conscious harlots really wanted to do more good, you'd try to trim the fat off of big government. Besides, jogging is just an excuse for hussies like yourself to show off your bodies as an advertisement for sex, so you can get all you can before your friends comes to town 29 days later! 

Jason : Thank you, Zack, Kimberly. 

(Faces camera again.) 

You know, you'd think everyone would be happy about that wall in Germany coming down, but there's always a group of naysayers like this group calling itself East Berliners for handball, or elderly Berliners complaining about drafts. 

(Photo of Mike Tyson appears on screen) 

And now for something you can really sink your teeth into. 

(Photo of Michael Jackson appears on screen) 

Hey Mikey! You said it didn't matter if you're black or white? All right, pick one! 

Especially in the past ten years, our beloved (snort) televangelists have fallen from grace. Here to comment on this is the Church Lady. 

(Billy appears dressed as Church Lady.) 

Billy : Well, it seems these past 25 or 30 years have been a great big party for the Beastmaster. And it doesn't look like these last two years of this century are going to be any better. With pastors molesting young children and having adulterous affairs, you have to wonder who is responsible for our pastors' mortal fiber rotting and decaying at an astonishing rate? Who is causing them to access their baser desires and lusts? Oh, I have no idea, oh, could it beeee.... Satan!? Now, Jim and Tammy Faye, and Mr. Swaggart have come on television and confessed their sins, seeking forgiveness. Well, ISN'T THAT SPECIAL? Now, may I have my special shaft of light, please? 

(Newsroom darkens and one light shines on Billy.) 

Now, I would like to say that I don't have my own network, or theme park, or political aspirations, or millions of dollars at my disposal. I am just the Church Lady, and to all the Bakkers, Swaggarts, Roberts, Robertsons, Falwells, and to all the rest of the betrayers out there, I would like to say that for all of you to one of me, that I am a teeny bit more superior to all of thee! 

(Lights return) 

Back to you, Jason. 

Jason (shaking his head in disgust) : Thank you, Church Bitc... I mean, Church Lady! 

(Photo of Rolling Stones appear on screen.) 

The live-action dinosaur tour has thus far made money hand over fist. So far... 

(Looks at screen and sees Rolling Stones photo, turning back to the camera, embarrassed.) 

...OOPS! But then again, what's the difference? 

There has been a lot of fuss about how healthy meat really is in the human diet. Here to comment on this is Update correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna. 

(Trini appears dressed as Roseanne Roseannadanna.) 

Trini : Thanks a lot, Jason. A Mr. Richard Phaedor of Ft. Lee, New Jersey wrote a letter, which I ripped to shreds because I am sick and tired of his stupid letters. But I do understand what Jason was talking about because at one time I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, stopped eating meat and just ate fish. No more places that I love to eat like the Sizzler, the Beefsteak, the Chicken Hut, the Bun and Burger, the Chip Place, the Burger and Bun, the Bun and Bun, and so on. I just ate fish, and I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE! I can't even look at fish, I don't even like fish, I HATE FISH! What's worse are those places that try to trick you into eating RAW fish. They try to make it look pretty by putting it on a lacy pattern or a doily, or make a tree, or an animal, or plant, and try to make it all frilly and cute, but basically, IT'S STILL FISH, AND IT STILL MAKES ME SICK! Do you know what the worst type of fish is? An oyster! 'Cause it's slimy and scummy, like grey snot on a plate and it makes you sick... 

Jason : WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, BABE, MAKE ME SICK?! 

Trini : Well, Jason, it just goes to show you, if isn't one thing, it's another. It's like the poem my mother made up, she was Hosanna Roseannadanna. She would tuck me in at night, make sure my toes were all tucked in, and she would tell me this poem. It goes like this. 

Listen, Roseanne, and you shall hear,   
This little poem my daughter dear,   
I don't mean to scare you, so please don't cry,   
But most foods you eat will make you die!   
Can't eat red meat, it lies in your colon,   
Stays there ten years, rots in the colon,   
Can't eat poultry cause you make sicken,   
Considering the chemicals they put in chicken,   
Hot dogs, salami, bologna, forget 'em,   
No one alive knows what's in 'em.   
Considering the troubles I don't think you oughta,   
Even try drinking the water.   
We're all going to die, from anything to one thing,   
Like my daddy always says, it's always something.  


Goodnight, my little Roseannadanna! 

Jason (eyes Trini suspiciously) : Thank you, Roseanne Roseannadanna. 

Finally, since her show went off the air almost thirty years ago, the Flying Nun has since been grounded, now getting around by motor scooter. The one-time airborne sister has said, "It's not as exciting as flying, but it gets me where I want to go. Besides, I'm not shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be." 

Well, folks, guess what? That's the news, and I'm outta here!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Kitchen) 

Kat : New Shimmer is a floor wax! 

Rocky : No, new Shimmer is a dessert topping! 

Kat : It's a floor wax! 

Rocky : It's a dessert topping! 

Kat : It's a floor wax, shithead! 

Rocky : It's a dessert topping, you cow! 

Adam : Hold on, you two. New Shimmer is both a floor wax and a dessert topping! Now, I'll put some on your mop. (Puts foam on mop) and some on your butterscotch pudding. (Puts foam on pudding.) 

(Rocky eats while Kat mops. 

Rocky : Mmmmm, tastes terrific! 

Kat : And just look at that shine! 

Adam : Yes, it protects and beautifies your floor! It's scuffproof and oil-resistant. 

Rocky : And it's delicious! 

Adam : That's right! Perks up everything from a sundae to a pumpkin pie! 

Kat : Made from an exclusive non-yellowing formula. 

Rocky : I haven't even touched my pudding and I'm ready for more! 

Kat : But what about black-heel marks? 

Adam : Black heel marks, spills, any mess can come clean with a damp mop. 

(Rocky accidentally makes mess on floor.) 

Rocky : Ooops, I'm sorry, honey, I'll clean it up. 

Kat : No problem, honey, not with new Shimmer. 

(Adam chuckles devilishly while turning toward camera.) 

Adam : New Shimmer, for the best shine you ever tasted.   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Backyard. Tommy and Kimberly are raking leaves. While Tommy is raking, camera has a close-up of Kimberly.) 

Kimberly (speaking softly) : Hi, I'm beautiful, but stupid, and I've found a soap that keeps you that way. Let's face it, good looks and complex emotions don't mix, which is why I use Angora Bouquet with pHx 23. 

(As Kimberly speaks, scene changes to a face washing scene.) 

Kimberly (V.O.) : You see, Angora Bouquet's special formula reaches into your brain and cleanses the tensions of the day, making your mind and skin as clear as a baby's. 

(Scene returns to backyard.) 

Kimberly : You see, Angora Bouquet contains Methacrylon, the same substance that are in Dad's pants that mom finds when she does the laundry. 

(Tommy walks up to Kimberly and turns the rake over.) 

Tommy : Uh, honey, why don't you use this side of the rake, you'll make more progress this way. 

(Close up of Angora Bouquet. As Kimberly speaks, the backyard scene returns.) 

Kimberly : I guess that's why my soap is Angora Bouquet with pHx 23. 

Announcer (V.O.) : Angora Bouquet with pHx 23. 

(As Kimberly and Tommy walk toward the house, Kimberly steps on a rake, and the handle hits Tommy in the face.) 

Announcer (V.O.) : Washes your brain as well as your face.   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Bedroom. Kat is dressed like a five-year old, sitting on bed. She lifts up Raggedy Anne's dress and soon starts spanking it.) 

Kat : Bad dolly, bad dolly! 

Tanya (also looking and sounding like a five year old) : Don't spank dolly, she's so cute and pretty! 

Kat : Dolly made tinkle all over her pretty dress! 

(Aisha appears dressed as Shirley Temple.) 

Aisha : Hi, Mookie, hi, Pookie! Binky needs to go to the little girls room ever so badly! 

(Camera pulls back to reveal Trini with her hair pulled back into a severe bun, serious glasses and a lab coat.) 

Trini : What do these three several obnoxious, obviously grown women have in common? They are all victims of the dreaded 'Gidget's Disease.' In other words, they are terminally cute, too cute for their own good. Let's observe them, shall we? 

(Camera returns to our three subjects.) 

Kat : Watch this, dolly! I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my handle... golly, I'm a sugar bowl! 

Aisha (playing Shirley Temple) : Please don't send Gramps to jail, or I'll be ever so cross with you! I know! We'll put on a show! We've got a barn, and my dad knows music! 

Tanya : Look who's coming to visit you, Mr. Teddy Bear slipper. MR. KITTY CAT PURSE! Kittycat would like some nummies for his tummy? Oooh, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy, nummy! 

Trini : Sickening enough to make you want to puke your guts out! But, there is hope for these women. They are subjected to what we like to call 'The Dental Theatre of Cruelty.' I know, because I was one of them. But, I was lucky. These women might not be so lucky. 

(Kat, Tanya, and Aisha 'cuteing' out of control. Trini slams her fist into her palm as if she would like to do the "Therapy" herself.) 

Trini : We need your help now. Send your donation to : 

Gidget Goes to Shock Therapy  
P.O. Box 2926  
Bayonne, New Jersey  
  
  


* * *

  


(cut to : Bachelor's living room. Zack is reading a paper. Billy walks in.) 

Billy : Hi, Zack. You won't believe how thirsty I am! 

Zack : Well, there's some Pepsi on the table, just chilled. 

Billy : Great! I'm so thirsty, I could drink a horse! 

Zack : Boy, are you stupid. It's 'I could eat a horse.' 

Billy : Well, you do what you want, Zack, I'm still thirsty! 

Zack : Well, here's some Pepsi. 

(Billy promptly pours soft drink down his shirt pocket.) 

Billy : Boy, that didn't work at all. I'm still thirsty! 

Zack : That's because you put it in your shirt pocket, see? 

Billy : Oh. 

Zack : You know, you're not very bright, are you? In fact, you're incredibly stupid! 

Billy : That's right, Zack, and you know, I'm proud of it! (Turns toward the camera.) You know, we all can't be smart like Zack, and that's why I want to speak to you about a God-given right : the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should now, and so should Zack, (Zack glares at Billy), because we are extremely stupid people! For example, I think that Bambi is a chicken! That reminds me of a little joke... (starts laughing to himself, which goes on for one minute before changing tone abruptly.) but seriously, extremely stupid people are persecuted in public, with saying such as, 'Boy, are you dumb!,' and (Zack changes card for Billy_ Thank you! and, 'You're not too bright, are you?' and 'What are you, stupid?' and 'You must be extremely stupid!,' 'I could drink a horse!' 'Boy, am I thirsty!' and...... 

(Zack puts hand over Billy's mouth.) 

Zack : Send your money to the National Extreme Stupidity Foundation, Buffalo, NY.   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set. Tommy, Kimberly, Zack, and Trini are sharing a joke with Christine, when Lisa walks up with 'Instant Revenge.') 

Lisa : Have you guys seen this? 

Tommy : 'Instant Revenge,' huh? Let me see that. 

Trini : Instant Revenge was discovered in 1884 by Margaret Wilmont on Retribution Peak... 

Zack : When asked what the substance was, she said... 

(All four confer with Christine.) 

Kimberly : I don't have any idea. Yeah, that's neat. 

Lisa (angrily) : That's not what it says, and you know that's not what it says. You're just trying to keep from getting slimed, and YOU BUTT THE HELL OUT, MCGLADE! 

All (innocently) : What were we supposed to say? 

Lisa : When asked, she replied, "I don't know." See, I... OH, HELL, NO! 

(Lisa gets deluged with slime.) 

Christine : Sometimes it's so easy... 

Tommy, Trini, Zack, Kimberly, & Christine : We SHOULD be ashamed of ourselves.... but we're not! 

(Jason watches off-stage, laughing.) 

Jason : That girl definitely got something wrong. Let me try this. Hey, Rocky, did you see this stuff? 

Rocky : 'Instant Revenge?' 

Jason : Check out the instructions. 

Rocky : Lift flap and break seal. Empty contents into bowl. Add water. Uh-oh! 

(Splash!) 

Jason : I KNEW IT! She did the whole thing wrong! Lisa was trying to get people slimed! She should have gone for drenching them with... 

(Jason stops and smile mischievously at camera.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Bedroom. Mom and Dad are arguing.) 

Dad (to Mom) : Aw, dry up! (to Christine) Your mother and I are getting a divorce, and you have to decide which one of us you are going to live with! 

Mom : So decide, which one, me or your father? 

Christine : NEITHER ONE OF YOU! I'm moving in with Trini and Kimberly! We're getting our own apartment! 

(Christine takes suitcases and storms past both.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Locker room) 

Marjorie : Well, Billy, it's time for another bunch of bad locker jokes. 

Billy : Oh no, not again! 

Marjorie : I'm afraid so. You ready? 

Billy : Well, if I must. 

Christine : Hey, Kimberly? 

Kimberly : Yeah, Christine? 

Christine : What's the worst thing to happen to someone? 

Kimberly : Dying, definitely. 

Christine : How about doing locker room jokes for the rest of your life? 

Kimberly : You're right, that is a fate worse than death! 

Alisdair : Hey, Zack? 

Zack : Yeah, Alisdair? 

Alisdair : The world is in such a mess, how are we going to fix it? 

Zack : We can start by not making the same mistakes of our parents' generation. 

Alisdair : Such as? 

Zack : Such as not creating dumb TV shows like this! 

Trini : Hey, Vanessa! 

Vanessa : Yeah, Trini? 

Trini : When I gave my guitar recital, the audience cheered and clapped, and stamped their feet for hours. 

Vanessa : I didn't know you were that good. 

Trini : Actually, they started doing all that after I said I'd do an encore if they'd stop making so much noise! 

Rocky : Yo, Dougiepoo! 

Doug : DON'T CALL ME THAT! What is it? 

Rocky : Last week, I played classical piano at a party. 

Doug : Did they ask you to play again? 

Rocky : Actually, they dared me to. 

Justin : Hey, Tommy? 

Tommy : Yes, Justin? 

Justin : When I gave my violin recital, the audience was glued to their seats. 

Tommy : What a great idea, Justin! That's a great way to keep them there! I ought to try that sometime! 

Marjorie : Oh, Jason? 

Jason : Yes, Marjorie? 

Marjorie : What sort of movie do you like, horror or comedy? 

Jason : Actually, Marjorie, I like a little of both, like the one I saw last night. 

Marjorie : Which one was that? 

Jason : Your friend Lisa showed me some home movies of herself when she was a baby! Boy, was she every ugly! 

Lisa : JASON, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! 

Jason : Don't worry, Lisa. I thought they were very entertaining flicks. 

Christine : Did you see the one where she had three birthday cakes? 

Jason : Yeah, two for her, and one for the rest of the kids. 

Lisa : It wasn't two for me and one for the rest of the kids. 

Jason and Christine : YEAH, THREE FOR YOU, AND NONE FOR THE REST OF THE KIDS! 

Doug : Hey, Adam! 

Adam : Yeah, Dougiepoo? 

Doug : DAMN IT, DON'T CALL ME THAT! 

Adam : But, Vanessa said you'd think it was funny. 

Doug : One thing you should know, Adam, Vanessa's an idiot! Anyway, I hear you have a friend whose parents recently divorced. 

Adam : Yeah, they showered her with presents all the time. 

Doug : So, what happened to her? 

Adam : She sold all the presents and bought a house in the country! 

Tanya : Hey, Kat! 

Kat : Yo, Tanya! 

Tanya : I hear your parents are getting a divorce. 

Kat : Yeah, right now, they're fighting over who gets custody of me. 

Tanya : That's really thought. I would hate it if my parents were fighting over me. But you know, it could be worse, think if you were Aisha. 

Kat : Yeah? 

Tanya : Well, if Aisha's parents were getting a divorce, all night long it would be, "You keep her!" "No, you keep her!" "No, I don't want her, you keep her!" 

Kat : "Well, I had her last week, you keep her!" 

(Kat and Tanya continue play squabbling while Aisha slams door open.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set : Tanya has a new hobby : Bodybuilding. Aisha is there with her.) 

Aisha : Hey, Tanya, did you know the weights are named after you? 

Tanya : Yeah? 

Aisha : They're called dumbbells! 

(Tanya scowls and drops weight on Aisha's foot.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Classroom : Jason is talking to Adam.) 

Teacher : Jason, do you mind? I would like to get class started. 

Jason : No, I don't mind at all, go ahead. 

Teacher : Who do you think you are? 

Jason : Who do I think I am? JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? 

Teacher : Who... No one has ever asked me before... (breaks down) Jason... it's not a happy life. Day in, day out, those ungrateful, ignorant, little brats... driving me insane! (sobbing) 

Jason (worried) : Sir, it's okay. (disgusted) Aw, geez, you're wetting my homework!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link Set) 

Aisha : Tanya, bodybuilding seems so silly to me. How can you get anything out of it? 

Tanya : Actually, it has varying skills and levels. For instance, to get the bells off the ground to my chest... (demonstrates) that's called a press. From the chest to chin... that's a cleave. And from the chin over my head... (demonstrates) that's an aisha! 

Aisha : You mean, they named it after me? 

Tanya : Did I say the Aisha? I'm sorry, I meant the jerk! 

(Aisha snarls.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Barth's Diner. Kimberly, Rocky, Zack, Trini, and Adam are on one side of the booth. Jason, Kat, Tanya, Rocky, and Aisha are on the other side. Barth comes over.) 

Kimberly : Barth, do you feel that on certain issues, you have to go to war? 

Zack : Even if it's over something you just can't stand anymore? 

Barth : Yes. Why do you ask? 

Trini : Well, Barth, we can't stomach your food anymore, so we're going to WAR! 

All : FOOD FIGHT! 

(Food fight erupts.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Kat dressed as Shannen Doherty.) 

Kat : Hi, I'm Shannen Doherty. If you are as full of hot air as I am, you know nothing is as wonderful as bitterness and spite. That's why I use Revenge!, the perfume. What can be better than the sweet smell of revenge? Just ask my underling, Luke Perry. 

(Rocky appears dressed as Luke Perry.) 

Rocky : I hope they send you to college in Iraq, you psycho! 

(Kat gives Rocky a painful, brutal slap.) 

Kat : I forgot to mention it's hands on applicator, Luke. Just think of it as a restraining odor! 

Rocky : Just don't get engaged to me, then try to shoot me, okay? 

(Kat gives him another brutal, painful slap.) 

Kat : So, do what I do, and don't get mad... (Hits Rocky with perfume bottle.) Get Revenge! 

Rocky (in obvious pain) : Aaah, the swell of it!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link set. Rocky, Adam, Aisha, Kat, Billy, Tommy, Jason, Christine, Alisdair, Doug, Marjorie, Vanessa, Justin, and Lisa are on Link Set.) 

Adam : Are we done with this mess yet? 

Aisha : What are you asking me for? 

Lisa : After seven years of this, I know what he means. 

Vanessa : Does anyone know what's next? 

Christine : I have no idea! I'm going to get a soda! (walks off set) 

Vanessa : Anyone else? 

All : I DON'T KNOW? OH MY GOD!!! 

(Christine watches offstage as a sliming massacre happens on the set, then walks back on.) 

Christine : Well, according to this, one more Barth's sketch, and then the closing sketches. 

All (disgusted) : NOW she tells us!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Barth's Diner. Trini spits up burger.) 

Trini : You guys, I have had it with this crap! It's time for Plan X! 

(Tanya, Zack, Kimberly, and Adam grin happily. Barth comes over.) 

Barth : How are your burgers? 

Adam : Super! 

Tanya : Fantastic! 

Zack : Delicious! 

Kimberly : Major tasty! 

Trini : My taste buds are floating! 

Barth : You're kidding. Usually you insult my food and throw up. 

Trini : Oh no, you see, only now have we caught on to your subtle culinary style! (kissing fingertips) Delicious! 

Barth : Oh, no, no, no, no, no! If you kids think this is delicious, then something is really wrong! (storms away) 

Zack : That worked great! 

Kimberly : Did you see the look on his face? 

Adam : Is the coast clear? 

Tanya : I think so. 

(All turn their heads away and throw up.)   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link Set. Aisha is the first to get all the slime cleaned of her. She rushes to the set, where Trini, Zack, Kimberly, and Christine are already there.) 

Aisha : I know how Christine avoided getting slimed. How did you four manage it? 

Trini : We each have a guardian angel? 

(Tanya joins them on the set.) 

Tanya : Aisha, why in the HELL are you so excited? 

Aisha : I'm going to be RICH! An Ad campaign wants to market talking Aisha dolls, can you believe it? 

All else : What?! 

Aisha : There seems to be a market for a doll that talks continually. You just turn it on when you leave the house to scare away burglars. 

Christine : And everyone else! 

Aisha : I just have to keep talking. 

Tanya : Oh, hell, no! 

Trini : anyway, we've reached the end of another disastrous episode. Those of us who weren't slimed, that is! 

Zack : Wait a minute, we have to let the audience vote on whether the show should end or not. 

Christine : Are you totally crazy? There is absolutely nobody who wants this garbage to continue! 

Zack : We still have to let the audience exercise their franchise. 

Aisha : What? 

Tanya : Vote, dummy! 

Aisha : Oh, right. 

Trini : Now, if you want this show to end right now, right away, really quickly, press the green square on your screen. 

Kimberly : However, if you want this demented pile of horse droppings to continue, then press the red square. 

(Short pause.) 

Tanya : Here come the results. 

(Green : 6 Red : 19, 643) 

Zack (disbelief) : You're kidding! 

Trini : That many people want this show to stay on the air? 

Kimberly : No way, that thing has got to be broken! 

(Talking continues as credits roll.) 

Announcer (V.O.) : You Can't Do That on Power Rangers is a Treasure Chest production... Hmph, more like junkyard!   
  


* * *

  


(Cut to : Link Set) 

Aisha : Now, Kimberly, I want to do something about your hair, but you're not... 

Ross : Aisha, the doll people are here. 

Aisha : They want to record my voice for the doll! 

Ross : Yeah, well, to do that, you're going to have to talk continuously... for four days. 

Aisha (shocked) : Four... I can't talk for four days... I'll lose my voice! 

Trini, Zack, Kimberly, Tanya, and Christine : Hallelujah! 

Ross : Not my problem. Come on, Aisha, let's go! 

(Aisha leaves set, protesting.) 

Tanya : Didja hear that, Aisha's gonna lose her voice! 

Trini : Yeah, this talking Aisha doll might not be such a bad idea after all! 

Aisha (offstage) : I heard that! And I'll have you five know that I... 

Ross (offstage) : Move it, Aisha! 

Zack : She's gone, Thank God! 

Kimberly : And so, thankfully, is this show! 

The End 

Challenge : To everyone reading this, I only have one of these warped ideas in my head, so if you think you can do something like this, or probably better than this, go for it!   
  


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   [1]: index.html



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